okok. like no way man. noooo way.
i just gave that..and now it's like no more!!!
why!!
no fair. i din want that. i want to go back to normality!(is there such a word??)
nofairnofair.
is like so yah..but now is like so YAH...and i'm like aww man.
but it's like no more la..just no more...
sorry..secret crap.*hees* and no! wad T???
i still dunt get it. someone tell me!!

*this is the result of over-indulging in yummy wonderfully cooked meals prepared by us at su's place today...and yah. tt's just it.*
btw. iloveduriansmorethan_ hah!

VERSE 1:
everyone needs durian
a durian that's never failing
let durian fall on me

everyone needs durian
the kindness of the durian
the hope of durian

CHORUS:
durian
it can move the ang mo-s
my durian is mighty to smell
it is mighty to smell

forever
author of salivation
it rose and conquered the fruits
it conquered the nose

VERSE 2:
so take it as u find it
all it's taste and smell
fill the earth today

i give my life to follow
durians i believe in
now i surrender

BRIDGE:
spread it's smell and
let the whole world tell
we're tasting for the glory of
the risen D24
durian, spread it's smell and
let the whole world tell
we're tasting for the glory of
the risen D24

haha. this is week is probably the best week of hols ever..haha. anw. yah.
lots of gatherings. dinners. feasting. and fun! haha.
went to meet me old budd.
i couldn't recognize her man.
she like grew her hair. straightened it and stuff.. haha. but the way she talked and stuff were still dear old her. lol
she only had a teensy bit of auzzie slang but well..it blended well.
total transformation i would say.
shocked.
and well yah.
like walked around in taka..then ate jap noodles. and went coffee bean to talk..and i must say..the caramel hazelnut ice blended is awesome!!
haha. but anw ..yah i found out aust doesn't have tisue packets. so weird. it's like they bring tissue boxes to sch..or some weirdos even bring toilet rolls cos they're cheaper..AHha. so weird!
but ya. she'd prefer to stay in s'pore.
i'm gna meet her again on sat i think... yah. but dunno where. i hope not orchard again.
i got lost in that stupid place just now carrying my big heavy violin that looks bigger than me.
man i hate shopping.
and oh man..violin. my scales. i managed to memorize them..still out of tune..but i got the fingering right! haha
bad. but i dunt care.
and the canon piece...so hard to play!!! my fingers flying everywhere!!
so fast eh.. just now practised for like 1.5hrs. i almost smacked myself. so annoyed that i couldn't play. blistered fingers and thumb. and all my spoilt nails. i must get it right. i sacrificed so much.
just for the concert. for 2 weeks. can't go for 3rd service.. no wait 3 wks. argh.
concert's on 14/1. so fast.
and did i mention.she's changed so much. oh, but her friend, jun's nice.haha. they planning to spend newyr countdown and overnight party at mt faber. with alcohol! i mean like wad la! crap. i found out wad it really means to see a lost world today. like it's so freaky to see people walk around like lifeless zombies in-and-out store to store....it's just madness....
they need Jesus big time. living for * stuff is just pointless...help!~

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! =))

okays. enough of me complaining it's a boring season cos there's no hype about it. but nah. something sweet lies in the simplicity of spending time with loved ones.
somehow i thought the gathering would've been dreadful. but to know i made someone happy and made a difference to their life was more than a present to me.
it's the joy in spreading joy!

i think this year's christmas is gonna be pretty dead and boring.
just dragging myself each day.
dread.
all my plans are spoilt anyways.
so yah.
gatekeepers?? more like prison wardens.
it's like the stinking arrow's back.
stretching freedom?
is the rubberband only 1cm in diameter??
that's pathetic.
it'll just burst soon enough.

fishballs taste really really weird. so fishy.
argh. man i'm scared of...of...
liu zheng can play so much better than me..no fair. i just missed one lesson.
stuffy noses are such a pain.
no stars last night. fisrt empty sky after so many months.
something's not right about something.
new year. new me. CHARGE!!!! 0__0

went to watch HAPPY FEET just now.was like super boring la. saded. i almost fell asleep.
i only fancied the 5 amigo bros. they were entertaining for the least. haha. but yah. overall it just wasn't my kind of movie.

and well..looks like the christmas dinner planning process has begun. and i don't like the sound of it cos it means i can't stay to help out at C @Ktg cos i need to be back at home dusting furniture. lols. and also means that i'll be totally bored sunday night sitting in the midst of boring adults whom i don't really like talking to cos they're plain nosey people. lols. they're my parents friends..not mine! haha. i wonder if i can have some of mine over. hmm... but then again if they've got their kids coming along...i don't mind..haha..they're cute!and fun!

looking back eh..this year, though it has been pretty much stressful, tiring and rough, i'm glad i'm able to say that God brought me through it all..giving me strength and grace to overcome stuff. 10 years of educational history. i feel old! haha. but ya. was just thinking during this hols whether or not i've made good use of it not just for myself but also the people placed around me.

strangely enough, an ancient buried secret revealed itself this year through someone. and well..she's been in my ''hated list'' since like wad..pri 1? hah. yea i think so. and well things never changed even up to p6. sad case. she followed me to cedar. i'm like 'God what do u want me to do with her!!?she's such a pain!' the good thing was that she changed. and yea. she was pretty alright after that. and it was during one of our lesson together that she blurted out that she had always disliked me cos she was jealous of me. lol. i heard it and was like..puh-lease la. jealous of me? what did i have for anyone to be envious of?? it was only then that it hit me. hmm...
but well..hey, new found info. of course the old-day enmity faded through the past 4 yrs. we ain't budds or anything. just at least i've got no 'hate-list' now.haha.

and like flipping through 2004 yearbook in the car made me think. have i done anything at all these years to say that ''yea. Daddy'll be happy!!'' ?
this year has probably been the toughest times for me in church. it's like so much on street E and big events and sch outreaches and stuff... i felt pretty useless cos like everyone's bringing so many friends and i'm not. and leaders are like ''sherni! bring people!!'' i was more or less sick and tired of doing that cos like hello? nobody can make it! and it was getting draining to do things when u already know that end to it. and i kind of gave up honestly. abit weird also like the only one in class so on about church and stuff.. it affected me ah..really.

but things changed and i realised my efforts didn't go to waste. even if no one came to cornerstone... i found out they were going to other places that were more convenient for them.. cos like east coast is super far from like the north and stuff.. but i was still discouraged.. cos i couldn't successfully bring anyone to church. it gets very sad especially since i was the only one in the silly big school from gen. but then came days nearing to grad day and the usual formalities of writing notes and stuff... and i realised that hey, i wasn't such a loser afterall. lols. sounds lame. but yah. seeds sown do not always bloom immediately. i was just trying to be myself with others and well..God's love is truly contagious. that perked me up yea.

then came camp. and like one of the sessions the speaker was saying things about reaching out to people in the school. and he was like..don't feel bad bout not bringing people to church cos what you've done is just shared the love, peace and joy that's within you..you've sown something in their lives. u never know..the person would've walked away feeling changed and different after your sharing. i heard that and i was like woah! something so simple as that..and it took me so long to get it. so well yah. i don't feel so lousy anymore cos i know i've done what i could. glad to see brenda in church too..even more at camp. i still remember the days in class where we'd snap over a tiny issue and then 'split-tables'. lols. i think there're still more ex-schmates who got saved years later. somehow things like these just make one feel bubbly all of a sudden.haha

i thank God for allowing me to 'bump' into so many wonderful people this year...letting me be a vessel and at the same time making a difference in me. they're really nice! haha..

*sniffles*

bah. the bug's caught me.
even aft one week. the sore throat...or perhaps throat infection became the cold and stuff...
stuffiness!
but nvm.
it gave me alot of great chances to catch up on stuff..
like yay! suki's back!! finally man.. the waiting was like forever
but now that she's back..i dunno where to go and meet to catch up and like just hang out. lol
sounds so loser.haha
but like so weird eh..so long nv meet then suddenly come back..like wah..
but no. how can i be like this man. wad a lousy friend.
come on! think!
*thinks*
still got nothing.
lols.
hopefully something pops in my head by this week..
oh man i finally got down to card business today after so long of procrastinating.
so hard work eh!
i wanted to just crush everything and throw them away!
tiring.
crap la.
got concert in jan!
scary. got to play some canon in D piece violin style.
but quite nice eh the piece.. =))
haha then in march got exams again...sian
but hey..i can't wait for next year!
dunno why..but just can't wait..
somehow this yr's christmas is rather quiet..
like so rah-rah about it like previous years.
just some dinner gathering at my aunty's house.. buffet. the most dreaded of them all.
of all things a catered buffet!!! bah. it better not be indian food man. so sick of it.
can't they cook their wonderful scrumptious stuff and have us eat that instead!! haha
but nah it's okays..uncle's back. and it'll be much more fun chatting with him..
and darling sonia will be there!! ah hah..okays i'm getting excited over this small get-together.
madness.
alright! back to violin practice! ^^

man...camp was awesome!
lol to the extent i had a hangover. heh.
but then after all those encounters and all the running jumping and screaming.....
what follows is a super super irritatingly bad and sore throat.
so annoying ah..now i can't eat all the crap that i've been saving for after camp. hmph.
and cos of the sore throat my whole neck hurts and like wah..super pain ah.
wan to yawn also pain. wad more talk man. somemore i was supposed to lead worship for cell.
oh man. wad more sing. it'll be so pain. T.T
and all that made me miss violin on thurs and i bet mr lee's gna be like so not happy cos well yah..i needed that lesson. so well..got another lesson tmr and i should totally get down to practising it or else i'll just fail the stinking exam again. ;(
haha. somehow if i think about it ah...it feels as if i'm learning this instrument not for leisure eh.
it's like just learn so that i can pass exams and stuff..not fun anymore. i used to enjoy it but now it's coming close to a chore.
trying to make myself forget about exams and enjoy it but it's hard.
well anyways..nothing ever comes cheap or easy.
so yah. gta work hard.
10 days to christmas!! woohoo!
can't wait.
tried to get down to making and writing cards.
but lol i kind of gave up halfway realising they looked like crap. hah!
sometimes these weird stuff pop into my head and make me think..and think..and think alot.
it's like almost everyone who haven't seen me in like many months or years..when they do eventually see me..they're like..woah. you're still the same. u haven't changed much. and like it's not meant to be negative or anything like tat. they just say it.
but then when i go and see people after a super long time...they're superly changed eh. like i look at them and go - " are u..(so and so)" and they're like YEA! and that always makes me feel bad cos like i'm their friend and i can't even recognise them. lol. that's pretty bad alright.
but then when i do closely examine their change and reason for change.... it becomes pretty mismatched. like hello? it totally doesn't suit you! like go figure. i mean like C'MON! gimme a break. be Yourself! not some stinking loser in a horrible disguise. why don't people just get it.
hais. ranting here won't do much to change society. like duh. so well yah. no point.
and here we are. that pretty much sums up the past 2 days. lol
NO! i do not live such a boring life. heh. it's just that if i write all the exciting stuff here the post'll be EXTREMELY long and boring to read. it'll be more fun if you heard it from me yourself. hah.
plus anyway..fun and nice stuff are way too fun and nice to even express in words... toodles~

i think we're doing GREAT for camp!
the banner looking pretty cool and so glam and glittery.
looks a teensy wee bit tribalish..but what the heck. still looks nice! woohoo!
lol. i was thinking colour code or tees for camp? how bout that?
like we just stick to black and whites for camp? lol
dunno ah. see how first.
we have so much to do..so lil time! haha
no la. we've done quite a fair bit during the meet yesterday. proud of them.
hehe.
argh. i desperately need a new phone. e stupid phone only got reception in my room..in the study and outside e window. crap la. then sometimes ppl call i dun even know la. cos it doesn't even buzz or ring. stupid phone.
am supposed to be out now but got super pissed with ppl i decided to just stay home and not go out and start screaming at them.
mum refuses to pay a single cent for the phone and ya so i gave up. i shall try asking daddy. =)
i'll just be broke in an hour after paying for the phone la.lol
dun think i want to do that especially right before christmas. no way man!
ahs. can't wait for camp. cos when camp starts means..it's closer to pae results day..closer to christmas..closer to new year!!!! lolx. haha madness.

HAHA.
i wish i could just forget about everything and just start afresh.
nothing to think or fuss about.
lolx.
i learnt something today.
hmm... and i think it'll help me. =)
i've been watching myself.working with different people.
learning their ways.as in people of all ages.
somehow i'm a totally different person when i'm with some people.
i mean i can relate to these people easily. and well...working with these people aren't much of a problem.
as in society in general shun such people. i repeat. society in general.
but it's like just different for me.
like i'm able to give them that kind of special attention that they want.
ok. i dunno why i'm saying this but ya.
weird.

ahs. i love kids. so cute. so cuddly. ahs.
picture this with me.
so many kids running around chasing one another smiling and laughing...
all the fuzzy hair..and all the chubby cheeks.
aahs. so cute.
haha. dun be surprised if you suddenly see me walk up to this stranger's kid and start playing with him/her. lol. it happens all the time.
even just now..while having lunch..this kid in the pram was staring at me the whole time i was eating. i felt so bad. lol. but ya.
so i just waved at him. and that made it worse. he wanted to climb out liao. haha.
i finished eating. then i just smiled and talked to him..and when he was leaving i waved again..and so cute..he laughed and smiled too!!!! haha..ahs.kids

i found out the reason why i'm so stagnant in church.
simple. my attendance in cell is so super irregular.
parents dun let me go for cell. go bind and stuff.
yet they expect me to rise up fast and go do other stuff.
i mean come on la. how can that happen unless i attend mtgs and go for cell and stuff.
i think it's rubbish la.
maybe what he said was true. ppl who're kept in the cage..once it's time to be free..they go wild.
although i dun want that to be my case, but i never know.
i'm this stupid chicken who's been kept in the cage my whole life. allowed to come out for wad..only few times a year. even that release is restricted. i might as well be 'paralysed' so that even if i wanted the release, there was no way to get it. and at least there's a proper reason for me not geting wad i want. why does everyone see it except them! and wad just becos i go out with him for lunch..i dunt consider that a date. rubbish larhx.
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UGH.
can i just become a kid again..or become some old person. so that i dun need to worry bout these things and get tangled in such situations. but why????????

ha, i'm so free i can blog everyday. though pointless i know.
i totally ruined the rest of my hols.
no more going out. in other words grounded.
irritating man..
so annoying eh. it's hols! and i can't even go for zone outing.
it's nonsense larhz.
and the reason? - too far. wad crap la.
should've just stayed at home being bored.
should've just said no.
should've just.... ah wells. no point regretting now.
i don't believe in lying. i don't like liars so i can't possibly be one myself.
i guess sometimes i've got to learn it the hard way.

i've been thinking.
why is it that when you've known someone for more than 10 yrs for example, you feel as if they don't know you. even if they may be your best friend or just super close, conversations feel superficial and so on. and when u talk to them it's as if you've known them for a week.
and then someone comes along in the ten years. u know them for let's say a few months, and it's like the person knows you inside out. to the point you wonder if this person has been has been spying on you enough to know even wad you've been thinking about.
i mean it's a comfoting fact to know you've got someone who thoroughly understands you. but then you question what happened in that super long friendship with the other person. it somehow just drifted along the way. and perhaps even brought back to start position. i mean. it's so sad. it's like someone just snatches that righful position away. why can't everything just be normal, the way it regularly does? why does it have to remain superficial? i miss you alot y'know. and to hear you're returning is great. but then like it always ends up as-we meet and we've got nothing to talk about- i don't want it to be like that this time round though. for all my efforts in maintaining the friendship not only between us but the rest of the clique, it's not rewarding enough to see your face and say 'hi.' pls?

y'know. it's really funny when u think of certain stuff.
like how people can be so different from what u expect them to be like.
and how sometimes u feel as if everything's just dragging slowly in ur life.
and how somethings really feel like deja vu. although it's crap but yah.
it's pretty freaky. like how everything that's happening at that very moment has already occured before.
take for example soccer practice.
i still remember that scene so vividly.
me standing behind this brown-haired girl in a white tee.
her running towards the ball..ready to kick it.
it's like it has all happened before.
throughout my lifespan so far it's like i've experienced certain things before they'd even taken place.
whether in a dream. or just in my thoughts.
and i mean these stuff happen so regularly that i don't feel real.
no one'd understand but yah.
i dunno ah.
there's something wrong with me these days.
and i'm pretty sure about it.
i don't like who i'm becoming.
i'm not me.
i'm this someone else. i don't recognize myself.
and i don't seem to be having much fun being this someone else.
it's the hols. and i'm supposed to be happy having fun and all.
but truthfully speaking, i'm not. despite all the events and activities and stuff, it's like i'm not even there.
and i hate it. i want to be me. and i want to enjoy the hols as me.and so far despite all this, i realise i'm myself when i'm with a certain 2 people. i feel fake. like i'm just putting up this front. it's not that i'm trying to hide stuff or anything but somehow even if i try to express certain stuff..i can't. and it feels terrible.
haiz.
don't feel like saying anymore. it doesn't help like it used to.