love y.ou too much to let y.ou go.
need.HELP.
TRUST.
GO DO!

i'll forgive cos u apologized. (:

is it worth being nice?

lemme run u through my week from where i left off on tues.

wed: stupid RnR
thank goodness it went well even though we did practically everything last min. and thanks to u guys who helped! (: at the end of the day when u hear the kid say...i had fun! what's on next week?..it's like woah..all ur effort paid off (:

thurs: loonngg ddayy
started at 7.30 and ended at 9.30 at night. not even doing anything productive. if i was studying then i wouldn't be complaining. but no. i wasn't studying. ended sch aft stupid pract. then attend dunno wad competition rehearsal?? but at least choco fudge cake cheered me up although it was full of practically everyone's saliva. eew. haha. so then left for ndp DANCE rehearsal. it's rubbish nonsense la. why did i even join it?? wonder what i was thinking seriously. me, and dance?? it's like oil and water. so went and like kenna suan-ed here and there. and my stupid toe kept getting sprained. raaaah.
ended at 8.30. chionged to draw dunno wad kolam design till 9.00 but it totally din work out so we all just left for home. i was so zombified walking home from the mrt stn. surviving on an empty stomach since 10+ in the morning. stomach was cramping. ugghhh. reached home chionged compo and eom and 1 other thing. i owe barnacles mutation concept map. craps. oh and during dance we choreographed one dance routine for the czps puny ppl as well. at least that's done.

fri: total waste of my time
forgot to bring the compo which i chionged the previous night. i'm so smart i tell u. ended sch and head to peejaysee. nonsense sch. seriously. all the way on the other far side of the island. choachukang. like million miles away la. went there. compete. din win anything. then still need to sit through horrible singing stuff and dance stuff. watch people carry home shiny fat cups. i tell u the sch is so budget it has mist fans. and no air con in the hall. and they were smoking satay in the canteen. so the whole place full of mist and smoke..wah like haze but it's indoors la. so sit through nonsense until 8.30? once it ended left peejay and went to eat in some ulu-ated shopping place. i was already half dead la. we went all the way to peejay and came home empty handed except for COPs la. diu lian. seriously. we made history for emjay..1st batch to come back with nothing. and teepeejay made history of going back with something. -___________-
so yay. ate at LJS. i would've died choking ytd thanks to some ppl. excellent eh. headed back home after that. and trained from choachukang to jurong eat all the way to tanah merah. too scared to walk back alone. so daddy fetched me from there. they bought me macs! woohoo. treat of the day. nice food not paid by me. but....i was half asleep while eating so..no fun la. the cheeseburger is still in my fridge. haha. to top it all off... ___ smses me... meet 10am tmr for gpp. and dun 4get to email me ur eom. i would've smashed my phone at that instant if i was still using my old phone. these ppl think i got NO LIFE isit??? this is hard.

ookaay

so i guess i'm staying put in this lifeless concrete thing called mjc.
sherni needs to start liking chem.
to start doing tutorials like a good student.
to stop complaining bout lousy teachers even though they really are lousy.
to STUDY.
to not get angry even when i'm sacrificing 3rd service.
to make full use of saturdays since i can't go for cell till promos end.
to keep her room clean.
to stop thinking she can't make it.
to get scolded by ________.
to prove that annoying living being that i'm NOT stupid.
to believe that with Jesus i can.
MARVELOUS. SIMPLY MARVELOUS.

so it's only 3 weeks. not 3 months.
like what's the big deal???
and i HAVE a VALID reason.
quote : " i'm quite a reasonable person u know...i'll understand if u have something on"
so much for that.
it seems kind of faint right now doesn't it?
hais.
dun do things to please Man??
DUN PLEASE MAN??
it's mismatched.
and u wonder why i contribute so little.

back to irrational thinking.
EXPEL ME. QUICK.
at least then i'll have a reason to get out.
i dunno what i'm doing.
seriously.
should have just stuck to arts.
it may be tough but at least i wouldn't be hating it so much.
and to make things worse...ppl like barnacles come along.
WHY?
and how is all this making me a better person again?
i'm not wanting an easy way out.
i just want to at least be able to put my heart to what i'm doing.
but i can't even do that now.
it's like, i hate to say this but, impossible.
i wouldn't be having a time problem if i knew wad i was doing.
and if anyone knew me well enough, i'd never miss cell/church for sch by choice.
but i guess some still refuse to.
and that can't be helped.
and so i'll remain silent and not argue my way to victory cos victory never comes in that way.
just stay patient.
and let time pass.

PTM tmr.
i guess my paretns are gna get a rude shock to find out all the stuff teachers are gna say about me.
1. never hands in work on time.
2. not doing well in tests.
3. stoning in class.
4. horrible MYE results.
5. needs to study MORE
6. if she doesn't put in hard work she won't make it through promos.
it was just written all over HER face that day.
thanks alot. thanks alot.
it's not as if no one knows the things i do. come to think about it..my parents already know i hate sch...that i dunno what's gg on, and that i nv do my work. LOL
but still..they know in front of the teacher they have to act as if they don't know and side the teacher in circumstances like that. weird.
so much for enjoy ur jc life.
i'm so loving it. seriously.

SABO!

i'm just bored and feel like sabo-ing ppl.

so here. enjoy.

ahaha.

this is what we go to sch for.

nauh in the library.

while the rest cut cut and just keep cutting stuff.

seriously. i think i'm going mad.

if i don't have daily natural, on-the-earth outlets...i'm gna burst.

gelato indulgence.

works while it lasts.

_______________ needs to get away from my face.

or ____________ will be in big trouble.

excuse me while i think irrationally for awhile.

why can't i just get expelled. then i'd be free from all this stupid crap which i totally have no idea why i'm stuck with.

ok so everything won't be solved by doing that. and escaping is not an option. but i don't care for now. time to end the irrational thinking for now.

done.

***

just cos i din go for one event does not make me ___

not happy then tell me straight can?

dun ignore/talk indirectly/black face/anything else u can think of.

and i thought ___ was a better place of release.

i was wrong.

humans fail.

cos we aren't machines.

but then again machines fail too.

so what then am i actually saying?

raahs.

feeling fractious all over again. cyclic?

what am i doing?

how is it that i'm surviving day to day....walking around like everything's alright...like no matter how mad i am..i can still smile and talk to them.. no matter how horrible things are....it's like nothing ever happened at all. i'm not even trying to be fake. it just turns out that way.

so wad's wrong? i don't know either.
it's just these days i'm getting fractious so easily.
maybe i'm angry at myself. maybe at someone else.
maybe it's really nothing at all.
maybe it's just the inability to handle stuff.

breakdown. serious.

sorry to whoever out there who became innocent victims of my outburst.
my bad.

all this managing and balancing and all...makes me think so much everyday. i was so caught up in thinking that day..i totally forgot i was crossing a road. it was only after awhile that i realised i was standing in the middle of the lane. thank God there wasn't ANY car in sight. or i'd be dead by now. scary.

cmg back home at 8 -9 plus almost everyday from doing cca proj stuff.. it's not even studying u know...by the time i get home..there's only time for dinner.shower.last min touch ups on craft items. a brief flip thru lecture notes and i hit the bed. this kind of lifestyle is NOT gna get me promoted. and my weekends are booked.FULL. sat mornings there's meetings and more compulsory meetings. ends LATE. rush for cell/service. return home late. SUN. nth to say. there's zero time. so forget abt it. so much for the weekend.

so anyway. couldn't take all the rubbish anymore. almost blew up again ytd. but no i didn't. came home early from sch today. and spent my free hours worshipping. and it worked. there was this instant release. although not totally but i sure felt better.

and i can't thank Jesus enough for the many 'miracles' He's done for me this week. seriously. it's like one after another. i din even pray for them. all i did was trust that He'll bring me trhough everyday. and God never fails. i'll just say one of them that happened. i had so much stuff to do...had no time to do my hw..and i had like 4 assignments due the next day. haven't even studied the chapters..wad more do the given hw?? so i just left everything..and spent my remaining time doing qt. and the next day...i was ready to face the teachers who would qn and scream. BUT. no. they looked at the class...and talked and said they were gna extend the deadline. not one teacher. all four of them. (:

so many things can happen. but sometimes one still feels........

??

you seriously don't want to know what caused this.

but it really looks scary right? actually it was. and i took this picture in an emo-moment.a particularly weird situation. there are times when enough's enough. and i have enough homework for sure.

been a BUSY busy few days. sleeping a bare few hours and then returning to school zombiefied. but i guess it came true. my triple U streak. off to the principal's office. and i got A for tamil..that was not expected. i was hoping for a D. lol. hope i dun get kicked out of the school man.

been designing so many banners and stuff..cutting and pasting. i'm sick of cutting. my fingers are all sore. even my parents tried to help me an gave up 1/4 of the way.

grace and strength. much needed.

powerful.
_______________

0.0

here are the horribly drawn cartoon stuff..
looks like crap..still don't understand why they said it was nice. lol.

interesting.seriously.

__________________

good good.

been happily busy over the past few days.
notice the word..happily.
haha yes.
cell on sat was great.
although i wasn't allowed to cycle to cell..cos apparently i can't be trusted to cycle on my own without my dad. am i still ten?? LOL. i can ride okay!!.. cell was still good.
time of refreshing after a weird week.
it's like i felt the Holy Spirit slap me on my back.
get back on track!
yes. in my busyness i kinda slackened. NOT GOOD!
but now i'm back.
learnt alot.
so here's the thing. i do do stuff.... obviously i can't possibly share everything rite....but then it appears as if i'm not doing anything and just enjoying myself in my little zone. but well hey, God knows i AM working. in my own ways.
moral: Don't label ppl without actually trying to find out more.
it's really not nice when it doesn't turn out to be true.

ANYWAY.. saturday night again. i tried my best not to end it on a bad note..tried to make sure the day worked out... but i again(aparently my parents think it's my fault) blew it. maybe i SHOULD just shut up. cos like everything i say is like wrong la. the things i say. the tone. the volume. the pace. forget it la.
but somehow..it got blown away in the wind and things were back to normal in hours..
so i watched the SEABISCUIT movie till like 0130hrs...wah..the horse is super powerful la.
it's amazing how much motivation a horse can provide.
it's like u look the enemy straight in the eye...and then all of a sudden u got extra power to fight the battle. cool eh?
so only retired to bed at like 0215hrs. and woke up at 7 for 1st service.
and that was another power service.
to have VISION.not sight. (:
but i was super not feeling well the whole time la...everytime we had to stand up i was worried i'd faint. and the temperature wasn't any better.
third service...honestly..my body was like shutting down.

i rmb my sheep doodles on my book.
the shepherd can't just leave the sheep to do stuff on it's own..cos it seriously needs direction.
i trust Jesus to teach me His shepherding skills so i'll be a good one too.
after service agenda: brainstorm for sch outreach ideas at SWENSENS'.
ice cream!!!!
and oily fries!!!
LOL

and today..went to watch Nancy Drew with ann and sasha.
weird how a pre-teen movie left me scared at some parts...
those scary big one blue eye and one brown eye... EEEEE. scary. seriously.
and how the L guy just appears out of nowhere...
my gosh.
but it's a fairly predictable show la.
maybe it's cos i've read like millions of the books when i was in pri sch.
so the plot is kind of stereotyped.
LOL
then came home and had guitar session with adora.
was interesting.
i should sing like a syringe..not a fan. haha.
good analogy!!!
and i should wham the guitar..and not stroke it.
wow. learnt alot.
then came mass online shopping. ahahaha.
it's amazing how twisted a day can get.
and now it's almost 12 and i'm terribly hungry.
there's spoiler mtg again tmr. i need grace. i need to be joyful there. if not i'll just be grumpy and moody and sian and all the other stuff... no different from the rest of the attendees.
but seriously. rnr is so waste time.
rawrs.
alrights..off say goodnight to Daddy and then to search for food. heh.