today was sian day. super sian day.
think until brain no energy.
then the group ended up having makan session.

waah.. think think think until cannot think man.
i started talking crap. and i mean really crap.
haha. i probably bored all of them.

so bored. so tired. so pain. so everything la.
haha. got training tmr. so fun. i hope i dun die. i mean literally.
i hope i'll be able to breathe.
just for dear keet.
i'll be exercising at long last.
i need it. i'm fat.
real fat.

ok this is crap. i've not nothing to type and i'm saying rubbish.
exclusively nuts.
never underestimate the C and S in everyone.
we couldn't think of anything else la.
a little bit was like WOHOO-ing all the way.. now it's stuck in my head. i'm walking on sunshine. woohoo. it's gonna feel good. yea heh.
lol. stupid advertisement.
the worst ever i think is the silly tv mobile one..the one the silly guy goes around wif his laptop thing. and it just goes...wo-OH-oh-OH. lol
my dad was singing it the whole time la.

and i think my phone's berzurk.
in my house only got reception in my room..the study room and outside the window. so dumb la. then like if halfway talk and walk somewhere else it just gets cut of. i need a new phone. but i like this phone eh. it has gone thru thick and thin with me. and ther's so much precious stuff in it.. hais. sentimental value.

there's something wrong with me also. so weird eh. i was just talking to amanda that day..and i just started tearing all of a sudden.it's not like i was sad or she made me angry or anything. but yah.. my heart suddenly felt burdened and i started crying. so weird la. sherni's got a problem and she doesn't even know wad the problem is.

amanda is so nice.
amanda is so so nice.
amanda is so so so nice.
amanda is so so so so nice.
amanda is so so so so so nice.
i can't put in words just how nice she is.


~hehe. she ask me post wan.lol

wah.

i so totally can't play captain's ball la. i'm like just running around blocking people. din even touch the silly ball. out of three or was it four matches..i only touched it once. fantastic ah! lol. though we like thrashed the teams hard.. i had no part in the glory. lol. so i din deserve the nice shiny silver medal at all. saded. comes to ball games like captain's ball or hockey, haha, i'm so lousy. ask me play baseball or something..no problem! better still...ask me just go and run! lol.
so easy. just chiong all the way. ok i'm rattling crap.

i feel so aged. ribs hurt after sat's gemmy's. dunno why. but yah today so pain when i breathe man. then my tailbone..if that's the part..sit and stand and do stuff..wah so pain! ah. people say i'm getting old. lol. maybe i am. hmm..

for some strange reason..i felt so good wearing that cedar shirt running around and screaming frantically... i guess i miss school.. ALOT! aahs. i miss running around..complaining the coach is so mean making us run so much...screaming cos we got lost in macritchie and crying cos we lost. ok.wad the crap. i feel so old. like as if it's been so many years since i've graduated. but no. back to reality. it's been only a month.

and milo never tastes better when flushed out from the milo van itself! i love the milo van!! yays for iced milo! ah see. crazee again. i think too much. of things of the past. of people. of things of the future. of people. of present moments. haha. and i go again. but a person like me isn't exactly good with expressing feelings. i prefer wording them. it saves the emotions and pain. like they're all squashed into tiny lil' letters. HAH! to a certain extent it help i guess. but there's still always a teensy bit left. and that bit can be removed thru other means which i won't bothere putting down here cos i can't think of anything right now. lol

well..despite the activities today..and the pressing lethargy, i'm NOT gonna miss my match. man u vs CHELSEA! lol. u should now who i'm supporting by this. i think the club's manager's nice. haha. not a common statement heard. but ya. the players fought hard to come this far eh. i think they deserve it.. man u's been wining all these years.. give way this year eh.. anyways..match's at midnight. 2 hrs to go. i'm bored.

WHY??

why did i even have to meet u in e first place?
or i would have been freed of this feeling.
i act as if i thoroughly hate u and i dun undertand why.
it's funny to imagine a person like me being so like....whatever.
and how to rara? how? not when i'm feeling like this. it's bad.
ok.i like just tidied my area yesterday. but there's like no difference.
except for the extra 2 bags of trash.
but it's still messy.
someone quick take stuff from me!
this year's camp's gna be different. just different la.
din expect this but it happened.
on what purpose i dunno.but it better be good.
hais. the ringing qn of 'WHY!?' but i have no ans to that.
doesn't anyone know e ans. argh. so frustrating. why liddis?
happy but then not happy also. it's like u wished it happened but then also not.
it's a mixed up feeling. no one'll ever know.
i nv dared show any form of feelings cos of the fear of being found out.
obvious. no. not obvious. not at all.
fine i'm slow. but who cares.
i'm hesitant to bear what'll follow.

if only * knew that not everyone's like that. and if only * knew how i felt, and how those words changed my perspective. i guess i'm just not cut out for things like that. and as i said i'll never make it for those aspects. living up to those expectations really will be such a tough thing to do. haiz. * can just dream la. dream and dream and dream. i'm like angry and sad and happy and not-bothered all at the same time. how do u explain that? argh. after exams it maybe. but i've got other stuff to worry about now. but YAYS! exams are over! woohoo! woopee! this is what i call being free..okok not really but still. i can finally tidy my room. lol.

maybe i should just let it all go away. to forget all about it would defnitely take awhile but it might afterall be worth it. can't stop thinking about it..it's like argh, just stuck there. if only something else could come and replace it or something. then again total replacement wouldn't be such a good idea. goodness, i dun even know why i'm saying all this but ya. i don't expect anyone to understand all this crap...cos well..it's just my crap.

it has come to that point of time again..every once in a while. the feeling of total satisfaction if everything in this world just vanished and i get trapped in this never-ending room of white. where it's just me and the white-ness. ha.sounds like it came out from a movie or something but ya. there're times when u just don't want anyone near you and u get so annoyed by almost everyone and start snapping at them. well yup, that's about me this past week. never imagined me locking myself in that room of mine.sitting on my bed and mugging six hours straight. i say, that was madness for me. if anyone had asked me to do that during prelims i would have screamed at them. but guess what, i actually survived those six hours..that seemed like a thousand years. i've never had my head so bloated with info in my entire life. it's like stuffing all the 22 chapters of bio and 100 pages of concentrated geog info into a small pocket where at any minute the whole thing might just burst. it felt terrible alright. but when i did bio paper..it was like woah! a whole weight off your back. it felt good. sitting there writing, not able to stop your brain from spewing info out. the bad part of it is that once you start mugging like that, all the info just sticks in your head and even though now i can totally throw away bio, i can't. i just won't go. annoyance.

well emath wasn't much of a problem, except for that silly muber sequence thing. what the heck were they asking for. the question was like so vague. argh. it's as if they ran out of questions to ask that they ask something so stupid and useless. and the number of questions they ask you to prove.. it's crazy. like they don't want us to solve it..but show them that the question is correct. now that's silly. i know for sure i busted ss. my 21/25 is a goner. hopefully i can still get my 20/25 for SBQ. i was pretty sure i did that well. well alright. let me not get too ambitious over here. for all i know they might just moderate the silly paper so that the a1 is like 80 or something. argh. cambridge people. they better mark my 'dreams' essay an a1. i deserve it. although that's abit pushy but i don't care. cedar has never given me a deserved A for all my sporting one-word compos. the whole point of the one-word compo is to write the essay with the essence of the word in it. NOT to have the essay full of that one word. that's so silly i mean ya. what's the point of your essay full of like the word 'space' or something and the whole story doesn't even make sense. except for mr sng. i guess since he's lit teacher and all, he accepts my essays as they are. why can't cedar encourage such essays? argh. like why don't they do something to help the students get more As. for a fact, according to msg history, and according to my analysis, cedar's eng sucks. but no one admits it. mine's bad too but, come on....at prelims or Os u can't afford to get a 5! oh wait. maybe you can, if you're planning to use HMT. lol. hmm..maybe that's how people still get perfect scores despite their eng. i didn't think of that. hah!

okok. i am getting abit pushy..maybe not abit. alot. well, i can't help it, especially when you know you did more than 100% and you desperately want what you want. and yes. i do want what i want. that's for those people out there who thought i'd never make it. hmph.

now just got to start on shakespeare and be thoroughly engaged in enjoing his texts. to speak in stanzas and prance around like some foolish jester, who is in fact not foolish at all.

it's yet another friday night. another 10+ pm. just one more week. no wait. 6 more days of endurance. the matter here's not about surviving actually. it's about surviving well. well enough that you don't break down. well enough to know that you're actually doing great despite the circumstances facing you. well enough to know for sure that God's never gonna leave you!

yays!!!~ the first week of O's has finally come to an end.....haha.. only 7 days of papers!!!! totally can't wait till they're over!!

tuesday's chem prac was totally an answered prayer! i can't thank God enough! i told myself..if something familiar didn't come out, i'll be toast! plus my seat was right in front..so i wouldn't be able to see what others were doing and see if i was doing it all wrongly. cos i'm the kind who'll just freak out if something i don't expect comes out... especially for exams..more so for chem! i mean...i stepped into the lab..and i spotted a bottle of PURPLE!! i almost wanted to jump up and down screaming..but no. i was sane enough to just stay silent.

yesterday's lit paper however was like..aah! whatever the school emphasized on didn't even come out at all!!! so frustrating..i mean i felt as if i didn't even study for it cos the questions were like...argh! good thing i focused a bit on the relationships or else i wouldn't have been able to do ANY of the questions...so wasted la!!! i so totally ought to throw away the book..which in fact..i intended to do right after the paper..but i forgot! lol. oh bother.. now just have to count on shakespeare. but since i like that book. it'll be less difficult to study on.

i've been thinking. was finding it, the biggest mistake i've ever made? at first i was all,"yay!!"
but now..it's not exactly doing much good. like i'm getting myself into this big mess..i don't even want to imagine. haiz. it was so fairytale-like.but then again, fairytales aren't true. which tells me that it wasn't real. and that i should just wake up to reality. but oh man, it's so tough....if only..if only...aah..forget it. it'll never happen.
~
i wanna know what you were thinking. can't imagine why it didn't even sink in. you'll never know what you've got till it's gone. -tobymac[Gone]